It’s summer time and no better time to start talking about the realities of street harassment.
A few nights ago, at about 2:30 AM, I walked home from a bar in a busy area of Toronto. A few of my friends had offered to walk me home, but I laughed at the idea. Yes, it was late, but the route was busy (this was Saturday night clubland) and my walk wasn’t a long one. About half way home, I decided to stop for a hot dog at a street vendor and joined a line of about 15 people also waiting for a dog. It took only moments for the guy infront of me to start talking to me.
Hey, I’m a fan of talking to and meeting strangers, but 2:30 AM on the street is not the time to be making friends in my mind. Apparently, the guy in front of me in the hot dog line didn’t agree with me.
“Where are you from?” he asked me. I ignored him.
“Are you Irish?” he asked me. Again, I ignored him.
“Your eyes are really beautiful. Green. You must be Irish”
Again, I ignored him.
“Hey, I asked you where you’re from.” He was irritated now.
This time I responded with “I really just want to get a hot dog.”
To which he replied “You’re from ‘I wanna get a hot dog?’” Something he clearly thought was hilarious.
When I am the victim of street harassment late at night I certainly don’t have the same sort of response that I would in the daytime, when I feel more safe and secure. While in daylight I usually throw a disgusted look or a witty phrase, my response at night is generally this: ignore, do not engage, but do so politely enough as not to anger (a likely very drunk) harasser.
While I continued to ignore the questions of my new (very drunk) “friend” in the hot dog line, another man, presumably his companion, decided to get involved, and that’s when things went from bad to worse. The second man decided that he had permission to touch me, grabbed my hand, and started inquiring if I had any tattoos. I pulled away, but after I did so he grabbed my arm and said:
“You look like the kind of girl who likes it rough.”
Really?
At that point I couldn’t tolerate being in the line anymore, and walked away, vaguely terrified. The men were laughing, one yelling “Guess you didn’t want that hotdog.”
Catherine wrote a post in January about a late night incident that forced her to examine fear, confrontation, and how we deal with conflict in situations where we don’t feel secure. For me, I realized that while objectively I should have told these men to leave me alone and stood my ground (and gotten my hot dog,) in the moment I was too scared. I felt crowded, vulnerable, that my personal space was violated and that I was very much alone. What makes matters worse is that there were more than ten other people in direct proximity to me that I felt I couldn’t turn to for assistance, and who didn’t feel an obligation to assist me.
These men were amused by the fact that they made me uncomfortable and afraid enough to want to essentially run away. That’s an impulse I will never understand; how violating, hurting and upsetting one person can be so empowering (and entertaining) for another.
What makes this story particularily interesting is my feelings around the TTC strike. A great number of women were forced to walk home in the middle of the night this weekend when a surprise midnight transit strike left them stranded far from home. I was enraged by the notion that other women could face this kind of harrassment on the street without a safe, inexpensive and reliable method of getting home. The guys in the hot dog line simply proved my point.
And you know what? I really wanted that hot dog.
Let us know about your personal experiences with street harassment and how you’ve dealt with it, either in the moment or emotionally afterwards. If we share our experiences and reactions, maybe we can feel a little more empowered and a little less afraid.
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13 comments
What makes matters worse is that there were more than ten other people...
and why didn't you turn to them?
Find a a real scary situation, not one with lots of people around, to write about.
You call this being violated?
ha.
Posted by Mitch
April 28, 2008, 12:39 PM
It's unfortunate, but I think many men don't realize how intimidating it can be for a woman to walk home alone. And these things don't only happen at night, often they go on in the middle of the day, and few people bat an eye. I was walking with some male friends last summer and received some cat calls, and when they stood up for me it led to a violent brawl in the middle of the street, which they became unwilling participants in.
Posted by Jessica
April 28, 2008, 1:43 PM
Ignoring them doesnt work a lot of the time - ignore the wrong person and they get irritated and irritation turns to anger which turns to violence
Posted by Michelle
April 28, 2008, 2:47 PM
I hate that women can be made to feel this way because we never know when someone (or a group of men) are really a threat or not. And the fact that they were taking pleasure in making you nervous was bad enough and grabbing your arm - exceptionally creepy!
Years ago, when I was in Dublin working in a video store solo close to midnight, two guys were still in the store when I had to lock up. I can't remember exactly what they said but I was picking up weird vibes from them the entire time (the 3 of us alone in the store at this point), and they kept looking for ways to prolong the transaction, like sending me into the back to get candy. I really tried to act like they weren't getting to me and eventually they did leave but they said, "We'll be back" with a chuckle that seemed like it was meant to be a threat. Also got a couple nasty phone calls there while I was on shift alone, most likely from people who had been in the store. This just should not be stuff we have to deal with.
I worried about women forced to walk home on Saturday night too. There's a level of hostility towards women out there that I think many guys either don't realize or accept as normal so I definitely think it's good to talk about.
Posted by C.K.
April 28, 2008, 2:50 PM
I live in London, so it's worldwide really. I was walking across Soho, which was pretty packed, at night with some friends and some middle-aged guys walked past saying, "Hello, sexy, how much?" My friend: "How much?! HOW MUCH?! YOUR LIFE, that's how much!!"
But it's not like it's just strangers who do this. Guys at my sixth form college make crude jokes about the girls' bodies or sexual relationships to their faces and grab their butts - one guy was actually offended when a girl told him not to do that again. Unless you make a real effort to distance yourself from it all, it's unavoidable. It's just a symptom of the kind of world we live in.
Posted by Caz
April 29, 2008, 12:20 PM
P.S. Mitch, just noticed your comment - uh, yes, I would call this being violated. Men setting out to violate a woman's dignity and self-respect, whether in a crowded area or a deserted back-alley, is still a violation of human rights. Just because it's commonplace doesn't make it OK.
Posted by Caz
April 29, 2008, 12:23 PM
Mitch was probably that misogynistic doofus in the hotdog lineup.
Posted by Jenn Farr
April 29, 2008, 4:02 PM
I lead discussion groups on public sexual harassment for the Ryerson University Women's Centre. I often refer to this study, the only decent, local one I can find: Lenton, Rhonda, et al. "Sexual Harassment in Public Places: Experience of Canadian Women." Canadian Review of Sociology & Anthropology 36.4 November, 1999. Something interesting: "unless public harassment rises to the level of assault, it is not illegal." !!!
As much as I feel for you in this situation, I think it was poor judgement to walk home alone. Yes, in the ideal world, anyone of any gender can walk wherever he/she wants 24/7 feeling perfectly safe, but right now that isn't the world we live in.
Posted by Jelly
April 29, 2008, 9:46 PM
While I appreciate the sentiment of personal responsibility, Jelly, it just isn't fair. It makes this an individual problem, and it's not -- it's society's problem. The problem is that women are considered communal property -- that men have every right to comment on, infringe on, and even physically grab or violate. To say that a woman shouldn't walk home alone, shouldn't be out late at night, shouldn't wear a miniskirt, shouldn't have an alcoholic drink, shouldn't chat to strangers, shouldn't smile at a man, shouldn't make eye contact on the street, or whatever it is, is victim-blaming. It makes this interaction HER problem, when it isn't HER problem. It is OUR problem. The problem is not that she walked home alone, it's that some douchebags think that THEY have some ownership over her.
Posted by cate
April 30, 2008, 10:38 AM
Anyone, male or female, walking around alone at night is in a vulnerable position. I'm not sure of the Toronto stats, but from what I've read in general young men are in fact MORE likely to get mugged/robbed/beat up in the street than women. I'm not sure who is more likely to experience the kind of harassment you experienced, Stacey May--but I've certainly witnessed men being subjected to similar "jokes" after closing time in clubland (and as an observer, I admit I did not step in to help. In fact, I think I might be less likely to step in to help a man...) It is sad, but both men and women need to be very cautious walking around alone at night.
In fact, I've often wondered about the TTCs "request stop program" that allows women travelling alone at night to ask to be let off between stops. I wonder why the same courtesy is not extended to men?
I wonder if there is a false sense of security on the TTC as well... Are you really much safer taking the TTC by yourself at night, as opposed to walking? I guess you'd get home faster, if nothing else...
Posted by H
April 30, 2008, 11:24 AM
i've had my share of street harassment here in Toronto as well as many other places, which i usually deal with by ignoring them, making fun of them, or just a good old flip of the middle finger.
I have to agree with H about male vulnerability- not to say that it's not dangerous out there for women, but most of the time in Toronto, i'm more worried about my male friends going home alone late at night then i am about myself.
but i have to wonder if i have that sense of safety because robbers are gentlemen who don't attack women for money, or if it's simply because we just don't hear as much about sexual assault?
Posted by Zohar
April 30, 2008, 2:04 PM
Heads up people! Old women get attacked all the time for their purses, disabled women and anyone walking alone is a potential target but, yes, especially, overwhelmingly women. It would rather surprise me, if it were proved not so that women are more vulnerable. Anyway, the above comment is right. No matter what the stats are, women are more likely to face violence/harassment on a sexual level. I realize that the stories aren't all the same though. Everybody has their own share stories, but I count myself lucky, so I'll tell someone else's.
When my cousin Rebeca was pregnant, she continued jogging in the morning, quite often. One day she saw a young woman in the ditch, who seemed as if she needed help, so she stopped. Suddenly the woman lashed out at her. She had gave her several bruses and chased her, leaving her seriously shaken. She thinks drugs or insanity may have been part of the equation. Who knows . . . .
Posted by Myra
May 1, 2008, 5:40 PM
myself and a friend of mine face harassment often, on busses or walking to the stops. She(16) has been before approaced by older...much older men, in one cause tone man was supposed to get off another 15 minutes away from her stop, but he talked to her on the bus and then followed her off, she walked quickly to her appartment, and he walked away, but she was scared. I(18) have been yelled sexual jokes and comments from passing cars loaded with guys. I stayed calm, and walked towards a restraunt incase. But i find it sad that this happens so often, more than some people want to believe.
Posted by Leah
May 14, 2008, 9:14 PM
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